alexseah71

1) A certain crime is punishable if attempted but not punishable if committed. What is it?

2) I’m the part of the bird that’s not in the sky. I can swim in the ocean and yet remain dry. What am I?

3) I’m where yesterday follows today, and tomorrow’s in the middle. What am I?

4) An old farmer died and left 17 cows to his three sons. In his will, the farmer stated that his oldest son should get 1 / 2 , his middle son should get 1 / 3 , and his youngest son should get 1 / 9 of all the cows. The sons, who did not want to end up with half cows, sat for days trying to figure out how many cows each of them should get. Solution?

5) I am a three digit number.

My tens digit is five more than my ones digit.

My hundreds digit is eight less than my tens digit.

What number am I?

Good luck to all

Little Johnny's teacher decided that the children should learn about mime, so she had each of them develop a speech, which was to be relayed by using motion only. When Little Johnny's turn came, he stood up in front of the class:

"Ladies (grabbing chest) and gentlemen (grabbing crotch)..." Little Johnny's teacher wasn't amused, so she sent him to the Principal's office. Johnny explained what happened, so the sympathetic Principal told him to revise his speech as follows:

"Ladies (motioning woman's curves) and gentlemen (making a muscle with his arm)..."

Little Johnny went back to class and proceeded to give his speech again: "Ladies (motioning woman's curves) and gentlemen (making a muscle with his arm), it gives me great pleasure (whacking-off motion)..."

Marriage is like a bank account.

You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

Marriage is an institution in which

a man loses his Bachelor's Degree

and the woman gets her Masters!

The formula for a happy marriage

is the same as how to live in California -

If you find a fault don't dwell on it.

Marriage requires a man to prepare four types of "Rings":

The Engagement Ring

The Wedding Ring

The Suffering

And the Enduring.

Then there was a man who said,

"I never knew what real happiness was

until I got married -

And, then it was too late."

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Last winter, a man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude, because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around, that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!"

1) A guy found a magic lamp and, naturally, he rubbed it. A genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."

The guy thought and thought, and finally gave his answer. "I want to be hard all the time and get all the *** I want."

"As you wish," replied the genie. So the genie turned him into a toilet seat.

2) A dog, a cat, and a p***s are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The p***s outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

3)Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

A husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire".

The husband asks for sex.

The wife says, "No." >

Her husband asks,

"Is that your final answer?" >

She responds, "Yes."

He says,

"Then, I'd like to call a friend."

Prisoner

As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?"

"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?"

"Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"

Palm Reader

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he

decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.

Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I

can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his

open palm and said, "I can see that you have no

girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can

you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

The soldiers had been in the field for two weeks and hadn't had

showers or been able to change their clothes.

Then one day the general came along and said, "Men, I have some

good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?"

All the men shouted, "Tell us the good news, tell us the good news."

The general smiled and said, "Men, the good news is that today we're

going to change our underwear."

All the men cheered.

Then the general said, "Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones.

Jackson, you change with Thomson ... "